When?

Last night as my husband lay asleep, I found myself pacing this little room. I couldn’t sleep. I laid in bed and spent some few moments watching how peaceful he looked asleep. I tried to close my eyes and sort of count sheep to try to sleep. I didn’t switch the computer on as I know I’d just be on it for hours.

So I stood by the window. Enjoying the cool air of the night. There wasn’t much space for me to go anyway. I have a nephew-in-law who sleeps in the hall and I need to get properly dressed if I want to leave the room.

Earlier last night, during Eid visiting to my uncle’s, his mother-in-law asked how long I’ve been back in Singapore. It was the most asked question of the night actually. Like I said, I returned and went into recluse. So I answered her with a tinge of guilt, “A few weeks already”. Her next question totally caught me off-guard.

“Have yet?” with her eyes looking down on my tummy.

I faked a smile and shook my head, “Not yet”. Her next statement killed me.

“So long already”.

I felt my blood drained out of me. It was as if my soul was sucked out of there, right under my nose.

Perhaps it’s because she’s an elderly and I couldn’t be rude to snap her out of the question. Suddenly I felt so lonely in a house filled with almost 60 people.

She went on, “But it’s not so bad, you can still do things together.” Maybe she saw pity through me. When she paused, I just stood up and went in search for my husband.

I found him in the boys’ room having a go at XBox with my younger cousins. He certainly has his ways with kids, he always do. I wanted to pull him away, out of that room and just burst into tears in his embrace. But seeing him having fun with the boys, I didn’t have the heart to.

So I found myself standing by the kitchen door, sipping hot tea and staring into space. I cried to myself, inside.

I cried silently by the window. I didn’t want to wake him, the light-sleeper he is.

Sometimes, I tell myself that my condition is a blessing in disguise. But sometimes, I cannot help but to just crumble and cry and ask when. Last night was just one of those “sometimes”.

I don’t want sympathy nor pity. I want people to stop asking, but really, how can I stop them? Am I supposed to leave the house with a tee that says, “I’m trying godammit!” I thought I’d get over it. After all, it’s been almost 3 years since people have been asking, “Are you pregnant yet?” “Are you taking birth control pills?” “You don’t want children eh?”

The only way for me to shut people up is for me to stay in recluse. Stay away from people. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Once my reply to people was, “I’ll tell the whole world when I’m pregnant,” but now I think when I do get pregnant finally, I will just go back into recluse.

When circumstances got us separated

On Monday, 19th Oct, I left for KL alone. The Wan was by the road side, looking in the bus which I had taken a seat. It was hard, but we had made the decision to live separately as we have respective work commitments.

The Wan has gotten a really good offer back in SG to head a project for 3 months. Since I’ve already taken on the job here in KL/PJ, we couldn’t help being separated by the causeway can we?

The days and nights passed while we were getting used to not having each other around. Then, my parents made the decision to drive up to KL on Friday with the Wan in tow. So we lovebirds are reunited for the weekend. Only weekend.

We were getting used to not have each other around and now we’re re-adjusting all over again.

I’m disoriented, really. For now, I’m just counting down to the days I’ll return back to SG to see him…

When we attended our first party here

Shegar’s youngest brother, Praba, came home from Australia to get registered for marriage. In the short time that he’s been around, we’ve grown quite fond of him and Darshana, his legally married wife. Just like how the Chinese are, being legally married is not technically married unless you’ve gone through the traditional wedding.

Praba & Darshana registered their marriage on the 1st Sept 09 and last night, Shegar’s side of the family got a get-together so that the relatives can get to know to the new in-law. We were honoured to be invited to the party. And me being the lover of Indian food, thought I’d burst my stomach last night. Surprisingly, I couldn’t go beyond 1 idly and 2 pooris. Quite disappointed yet glad that I didn’t over-eat, especially during Ramadhan.

Their wedding will be in April next year. I’m so psyched about it cos we’ll be so involved with the planning & all!

When the Wan obsesses over food

For the past 10 days, my husband has been capturing every single dish he has had for iftar (breaking of fast) and put them up on this dedicated post of his blog. There are some embarrassing photos of my cooking as well. He updates the post daily because his aim is to put on weight for Raya.

I’ve been enjoying this freedom of having to cook here. I am really greatful for Shegar to let me have the kitchen entirely. The kitchen is a woman’s haven, really. This Ramadhan has been truly a bless for me. MasyaAllah.

When a postcard from the past arrived

Kiddo, or actually my youngest sister, has returned from her London/Manchester/Paris trip for a week already. But I just received her postcard from Paris when I opened my letterbox just moments ago.

I am a highly volatile emotional person. I was tearing when I read that small little note from her, squeezed at the back of the cute postcard. It’s a postcard of 2 children – one riding the bicycle while the other, on rollerskates tug behind – under the Eiffel Tower.

“This could’ve been us about 17 years ago! And maybe, someday we could visit é Eiffel together!”

About a few months earlier, this year, I saw a lovely lavender postcard of Eiffel Tower in PaperChase (in Borders of Parkway Parade). I instantly thought of kiddo. So I bought it for her and wrote a little note saying, she could be visiting Eiffel if she dreams of it. And what do you know, before the year ends, she was already there at Eiffel.

Some people don’t know how to express their feelings, some like me especially, do it too often than required. Eversince I got married and moved out of my family’s nest, I feel that I need to be alot closer to them. But now that I’m going to be based in KL most of the time, I feel that I will miss the crazy bunch we were; no matter how sensitive anyone or everyone can get all the time.

I know I miss my family the most; my ironic Dad and panicky Mom, my extremely-different sisters and the ever-growing mischievous nephew.

But I’m glad I’m married, for at least I have my love with me wherever I go. And yes, I understood what Dad told me; I’m lucky to have you.

When you win some and lost a whole lot more

I have made the decision to work with Shegar in Malaysia. His studio is in Petaling Jaya, where we (the Wan and I) will be at most of our time there, too.  A whole of significant things happened in the past months and has left a huge impact in me. When it comes to family and friends, it hits the heart the most.

The group of my heart has shattered somehow. I wanted to sit on the fence for the longest time I could. But this fat ass seem to shake and gave way. God knows which side of the fence I’m at now. My faith in friendship shook. I just wish things didn’t happen the way they did. But it did and I cannot turn back the clock, nor do I feel obligated to conform to what seemed to be of my advantage.

Taking up something which I thought was a dream come true couldn’t have tested me more in any way. I am now challenged financially, emotionally and physically. I just pray that Allah showered a lil bit more of love and show me the way to escape from this ruthless fall. Some signs will definitely be helpful.

I never wanted to leave G. Never. The Wan twittered yes, one was about G but the leaving part, wasn’t about him at all.

In life, I guess every one of us has a soft spot for something. We tend to lick our wounds and say, “hush hush, it’s just a small cut” when we know the cut couldn’t have happened if someone hadn’t pushed us down. We tend to give a million 2nd chances, trying not to be uncouth to others, yet, we forget that it is ourselves that hurt the deepest.

Venturing in this own business is not easy. You get asked unconsciously, or rather sometimes, consciously, if you should return to the rat race. But I take the words of a very tough girlfriend who says, “times are tough but only the toughest survives”, like a mantra. I hope I can be of a sturdy pillar for the Wan, and we can both emerge from this rut stronger, better, richer in experience and wealth. And InsyaAllah, that Allah will always send us his Angels to remind us not to forget those who put us where we are and where we were before the triumph.

Here’s to triumph! WE CAN SO DO IT!!!!

Amin!